Chop Suey
I'm not gonna guff on this time about how shit I am at blogging and how long it's been blah blah..
There's some stuff that I really need to say so in the style (or anti-style) of how I tend to blog, I’m just gonna come out and say it.
There are many people out there that I would consider to be my friends. There are those that have earned that place simply through longevity and there are those that I have met along the way and have simply just got on with, right from the off.
It's important to point out that there is no "league table" in this.. there is no benefit to knowing me ALL my life as opposed to knowing me for 6 months... why? because some people I have met and got to know in the last 6 months I feel have always been in my life.. it's that typical cliché "I feel like I’ve known you all my life" and it's true! I really do!
I went to a "leaving do" tonight.. my own.. and my very good mate and colleague Davey. For this past 8 - 9 months, I’ve been the licensee of a cracking live music venue in my home town and being a HUGE fan of live and in particular LOCAL music talent this was a HUGE buzz for me. Unfortunately, circumstance, health and the unwarranted and unnecessary meddling of a committee has led me to this point. The point where I have to jack it in before I completely lose my sanity and my patience.
The flashpoint for me was the whole attitude that screamed to me that I should "know my place" even though only ONE person on the committee had a longer relationship with the venue than me.. I am already aware of my place. I stood both feet in a heart shaped piece of that building which meant more to me than it ever did ANY current committee member.
I don't have an agenda, I never did. I just wanted to host some great live music and make enough money to keep the place open and staffed. It's all too easy to think you know what it takes to run a venue.. and it's all too easy to pick holes in the work of someone who had put their heart and soul into it.
Well I’m taking that back, my heart and my soul are heading off to where they will be appreciated.
I spent some time behind the bar again tonight, I feel really comfortable there, I love serving people, I love chatting with people, I love the banter between the other staff and the punters. It's a nice feeling. It gives me a lovely "buzzy" feeling, no matter how busy it is. I absolutely LOVE the sat night crew.. Mark, Tom, Kim, Davey.. You couldn't ask for better staff. I like to think that I was a good boss. I don't expect anyone to work harder than I do, I don't expect anyone to do anything that I wouldn't do myself. I never saw myself as the boss and them as the staff.. I only saw all of us as a team. We all worked together and all in all we had some GREAT times! Lots of laughs. Lots of fun!
Tonight had a much larger impact for Davey, as he's not just leaving the Clwb, he's also leaving the area, going reluctantly back to Milton Keynes. I'm really going to miss him, although I’ve not known him long, I feel like I’ve always known him.. I really wish I could have found some way that would enable him to stay here. He was really upset tonight and the first of us to shed a tear. I could feel him trembling as I gave him a big cwtch at the top of the lane leading down to the Clwb as we all left to go our separate ways. I am really going to miss him.
A previous licensee of the Clwb once said to me "don't forget to get out of there before it destroys you".. I’ve never forgotten those words. The place has a reputation of not being able to keep hold of a licensee for longer than 24 months, it's a difficult balance, on the legal side of things regarding staff, opening hours, health and safety, events the buck stops with the licensee.. (this place has a premises license and is a "club" in name only) yet the committee feels obliged to try and lay down the law on matters that legally they have no right to. As you can imagine, this can make it really difficult. Also doesn't help that on the busiest day of the week which is also the day that makes the money to allow the place to stay open for the rest of the week (Saturday) there is NEVER a single committee member present. They just don't "get it".
Anyway.. It’s done now, it's over, I have left before its destroyed me.. and I have been looking at 2 other venues. The bands will come to wherever I am. I know this. So all I need is a venue. This actually isn't the end.. it's just another beginning.
.. but first things first! I have a gallbladder that needs removing, next thurs..
Just want to say once more.. A GREAT BIG THANKS to Kim, Mark, Tom and Davey for working with me and Davey.. I’m really going to miss you.. but, it's a small world these days, I’ll still get to talk to you everyday via the internets!
Love you all very very much, it was the BEST working with you all!
Until next time.. x x x
PS.. if you're thinking "why Chop Suey?" it's a song by System of a Down.. and it will now always remind me of tonight.. Davey standing on a table.. moshing.. me screaming the words at the top of my lungs.. Great times.. x
So much for 2012.
I was planning on doing a 2011 review and a 2012 outlook.... But I'm back in sodding hospital. So much for 2012. .Trying out blogging from my phone for the first time.
Nurses are all fretting at the moment. Despite me saying "i'm not supposed to have blood thinners" they injected me anyway. Now my head is thumping and my nose is dripping blood. I did tell them this might happen.
I really want to go home today. If this prevents me I'll be more than a little upset.
The surgeon said they can't operate till this infection has cleared, so for now my enlarged, stone filled, pus gorged gall bladder is just going to have to sit there. Having HUGE shots of antibiotics into my IV. It is not pleasant.
I do however have a revelation in pain control to share with you all. Paracetamol via IV. It's actually AMAZING. Apparently, recent trials have shown it to be better than morphine for easing pain. Plus of course with the level of nausea I am having the last thing I need is that drunken feeling that morphine gives you.
I think that's it from me for now, the pain just returned. NURSE!
The reality of a misspent youth..
Well, here we are again.
I did think that i was a crap blogger but having read other blogs that are more frequent yet lacking in substance i've decided that i'm not that crap. At least, when i am compelled to write a blog it's because i have something to write down. It's primarily for me but i am genuinely flattered that people read my blogs.
I've done something a bit different this time. Usually i write the body of the blog and then a title comes from it. This time i have something at the forefront of my mind that i will get to in my own tangent filled, dawdling style.
We're all getting older. It's unavoidable, well, unless you're already dead. Corpses don't blog. (Damn, wish i'd used that as the title now) Anyway, yeah, age.. ageing... "accelerated decrepitude". I've had a couple of very obvious and indeed painful reminders of my age lately and i am under no illusion as to why i'm not faring so well i'm my 40's.
I was a bit of a nutcase when i was younger. Did LOTS of very fucking stupid things. REALLY pushed myself to the limit with work and play. In your 20's you feel.. invincible. You don't think of the consequences.
In the past 3 months I've had to face the reality that i will never tour again. I can't do it, physically. My right knee is in pieces. My strength is a fraction of what it once was and my balance is pretty crap. Countless injuries and accidents, back breaking graft, drinking, drugs and general debauchery. Seemed like a great idea at the time.. and looking back if i said i'd do it differently i'd be a big fat liar. It WAS a great idea at the time.
Got rushed into hospital on the 10th with crippling pain up under my ribs and around my back. I thought it was my liver. (Although apart from the odd half of Brains Black, i don't really drink any more). It was the worst pain i had ever felt (and coming from someone that suffered with what is known as "suicide headaches" that's no mean feat!) curled up in a ball on a hospital trolley, uncontrollably vomiting and slowly turning yellow, i honestly thought my time was up. Blood tests and various other "obs" pointed towards inflamed gallbladder, infected pancreas, battered kidneys (and a nice chianti ffuffuffuffuffuffffff!) Ultrasound confirmed enlargement of the pancreas and gallbladder and the whole of the Rolling Stones "40 licks" road crew rolling round this little organ that i didn't even know EXISTED until that day. Fuckers.
So, next? Surgery, BIG surgery.. "It is unlikely we will be able to remove the gallbladder using a keyhole procedure due to the damage the organ has already suffered and the amount of stones you have" cheers then! 12 - 14" scar.. 16 week recovery.. 2 - 4 weeks in hospital. Good to see that even now.. i don't do things by halves..
I hope they let me keep the stones.. I'll make you all Jewellery for Christmas.. WAAHEHEHEH!
I'll try and blog while i am in and tweet and twitpic. Surgical Assessment is the 8th Sept. I hope they get me in quick so i can be reasonably well for Christmas. Fingers crossed for me eh?
Oh.. and kids.. if you are as much of a fucking nutjob as i was.. you've got this to come. I'm not going to say "don't do this" "don't do that" just don't fucking come bellyaching to me when you piss your kidneys out of your arse and can't walk without a frame.. WAHEHEHEHEH!!
laters taters..
Splinters of glass.
Anyone that's been in a car crash would know that for a long time afterwards you will find another piece of glass coming out of your scalp, elbow, neck, whatever.
Sometimes years after your head will itch and you'll scratch and something will sting your scalp and as you bring it through your hair with your fingernails and roll it onto the palm of your hand for inspection you remember how you got it. It's a little reminder of a traumatic experience that you'd really rather forget.
Today, i feel like that.. but with a difference. There was no "car crash" there was no "accident", it feel like i have DELIBERATELY shoved my head through a toughened glass window trying to help someone stuck to the glass in a vacuum, unable to breathe.. The glass is all around my feet and embedded in my head and the idiot i was trying to rescue is laughing in my face and shouting "haaaa! fooled you".
I will NEVER fucking help you again. In fact, i might shove every piece of glass that i pick from my skin in your food in the hope that your own guts rupture and eat you away from the inside outwards.
You are an arrogant, self serving, interfering, WANKER. In the words of Larry Mullen Jnr. F.O.A.D.**
**preferably in pain, preferably slowly and most definately alone. you CUNT.
Living for the weekend....
...gonna party hard, hard. (you didn't REALLY think i'd favour "Hard-Fi" over The O'Jays did ya?)
Anyways.. cut and paste the usual "it's been a while since i've last blogged.. etc etc" .. in case you wondered.. yeah.. my family are Catholic.. but i'm not really.. at all. I'm a Pagan.. but i do sometimes see my blogs as some kind of "confession" or maybe like talking to a gravestone, i mean i rarely get feedback.. and i don't mind that actually.. just cos i put stuff "out there" doesn't necessarily mean i'm expecting comment.. but at the same time i'm not saying DON'T FUCKING COMMENT!!
er.... man alive.. this is what my mates mean when they talk about my incredible tangents.. I blame Eddie Izzard.. As my good mate (and previously London housemate) Eleanor would tell you.. after having an Eddie Izzard dvd/vhs marathon i would almost become him for a few days.. I'd not even notice!!
Anyway, gonna try and get the "dark" parts of my blog done NOW.. and then return to the meaning behind the title in a tangented path of distraction and brain farts.. so bear with! bear with!
Many mooooons ago, when i lived in London I spent some time at Riverside Studios. Working mainly on Top of the Pops but occasionally other bits and bobs that were showing in the other studios.. There was a tech there called Ray. Ray was a New Zealander, very laid back and effortlessly "cool". He spoke his mind and treated everyone EXACTLY the same. That's what i loved the most about Ray. He wasn't afraid to tell you to FUCK OFF.. and also wasn't afraid to admit when he'd fucked up. Well, this week on twitter as my mind drifted a show that was at Riverside popped into my head.. It had won huge acclaim in the Edinburgh Festival and had landed in Studio 2 for a long run. People LOVED it.. as did I.. thought it was fucking EPIC. Anyway.. i tweeted it out.. "Anyone remember an Edinburgh show that transferred to London called "666"? to my suprise, someone i follow and that follows me tweeted "i was IN it" so we chatted about it a little on Twitter.. then i was asked "Do you remember the tech, Ray?" of course i did!! The next tweet tho stopped me in my tracks.. Ray had died a couple of years ago. I didn't really know what to think.. because my head was already thinking .. oh maybe i can get back in touch with him.. evidently not.I remeber so many things about Ray.. not one memory fails to make me smile. When he was leaving Riverside we had a big party. Which started in Riverside.. then went to the little pub over the road and ended up in Ray's house. Ray was good mates with the TOTP lot.. i think we all kinda gelled in our sharing attitude to little lines of white powder that allowed you to work hard and party hard. Although actually, Ray was more of a stoner.. but we all did coke, i honestly think it's impossible to work 12 hours straight then party for 8 hours without it. I'm not condoning it.. that's just how it was. Even some pretty high ranking beeb execs would be there in the cupboard in the scene dock shoulder to shoulder with the lowest paid crew hoovering up line after line.. Anyway where was i? oh yeah Ray.. before he left he said "Cezza, i have to pass on my Riverside knowledge to you before i go.. and when you go, you pass it on to Chris (trainee tech) ok?" He then led me around the building and into various voids and passageways i'd never known were there! "This is where to go if you need some down time away from the madness" There was a large comfy padded sun lounger and a little radio and a lamp... "but if the sun is out.. " he kicked a half size door.. we were on the roof.. ".. drag the lounger out here and chill. I recalled all the times i'd heard someone call for Ray on the radio (we all had 2 way radios) only to hear no reply.. next to the lamp there was a stack of motorola batteries.. "Leave your radio on incase there's an emergency, but when you go back put one of these dead batteries on your radio and the good one in your pocket "My battery went dead" is always a good one and you can prove it!"
This doesn't mean that Ray was lazy, not at all, quite the opposite. He worked hard, but unlike the rest of us idiots he didn't believe in killing himself for money. I have two lasting memories of Ray.. having his face buffed with whipped cream by the breasts of a stripper in his leaving do and his only comment "thanks luv, shame they're not real tho eh?" and him standing on the heavily varnished reception desk completely off his tits doing the Hacka. I wish i could've stayed in touch with Ray.. but somehow i didn't think it would be possible once he moved back to NZ.. he was a free spirit.. part Mauri.. Great bloke. I'll never forget him. I still have a few bits and bobs he gave me when he left. There's a half mirrorball with a rotator on the rotator it still says "This Belongs to RAY!" on a strip of LX tape. So long Ray. x
In other news, the murder trial started this week. Almost a year has passed since my mate Lucy was stabbed to death and left to die in a hedge outside her house. Her husband the killer. I was faced by a wall of newspapers in Tesco on Wednesday all had a half page photo of my mate and the bold headlines about her being stabbed 23 times. It's like a fucking car crash.. you don't want to look but you find yourself having to. More details are coming out. Turns out he hit her in the head/face with a granite rolling pin whilst still in the house.. i think he meant that to kill her.. but something happened.. so she ran.. he chased her.. she screamed for the neighbour to come and help.. then fell silent as she was stabbed to death. She was a pretty girl was Lucy and the thought of her being in such a mess makes me feel really sick in my stomach. Unbelievably, Her murderer, Harold Landry is refusing to plead guilty to murder.. saying it was a moment of madness.. and she provoked him.. he is saying manslaughter.. is he fucking NUTS or what??? As human beings we are all capable of committing horrendous acts upon each other. Shooting, strangling, stabbing.. punching.. but for most of us.. we only do these things in our heads. Don't fucking tell me you've never done it.. because we have ALL had a mini fantasy about offing someone we hate.. but the actual ACT of doing so? it's NEVER going to fucking happen.. we know it's not right.. no matter how much, in the heat of the moment you think it would help.. it won't. Now i am known for having had some serious RAGE in my body and mind.. and on occasion in the past i have punched the living crap out of someone.. i have NEVER even so much as smashed a bottle and thrust it at someone.. nor picked up a pool cue and smashed it over someone's head... i have snapped one in two over my knee and thrown it to the ground then punched someone.. I've headbutted people.. etc.. anything you'd see in a "typical' punch up style bar brawl (including throwing someone over a bar) i have done. I am NOT proud of these things.. and afterwards i have always cried my eyeballs out because of what i have done.. (and in pain because it's a fight i'm talking about, tit for tat) but i have NEVER wanted to pick up a knife.. or any implement to kill anyone... I've been the victim of a stabbing myself. Luckily the implement wasn't sharp, still doesn't change the fact that i have puncture scars peppered over me ( as this was also a "frenzied" attack) and i remember how terrified i was... I can't even begin to think how Lucy felt..
Also, adding insult to injury, this murderous BASTARD has been saying how he's been diagnosed with prostate cancer, which apparently is punishment enough. This i find SICKENING.. regardless of whether he's got it or not it's not a fucking SYMPATHY card for a murderer. Sickening. I need to stop blogging about this now, or i'm going to get myself into a right fucking state.
Due to these emotions being raked up again, a few of us are hoping to get together in the next week. We need to be together again to be honest. We need each other right now. I'm glad we have each other. Which kinda leads me on to the title of this thread. I've got many young friends on facebook. Some are my old students, some are old workmates, some are relatives.. I love reading their statuses on a friday.. they really DO live for the weekend. I kinda miss those days. Because i'm not working a 9 to 5, 5 day week the whole "weekend" feeling is lost on me! Has been for some time! I loved that feeling tho.. the weekends were almost magical! I'd finish work early on a friday and generally stop off at Clwb y Bont for a pint on the way home, or sometimes the Central in Trallwn, Or the Lanover arms.. if it was a nice day.. sit outside in the sun.. chat with the other weekenders and make plans for later that night.. or Sat night if there was a gig on.. Home then and either, food, shower and back out.. or phone out for pizza, couple of beers and save yourself for the saturday.. course.. 'back in the day' when i was younger i could go out friday and saturday.. but my older self's weekends would have to be an either/or.. hangovers last 2 days.. UGH!! heheheh. I miss "living for the weekend" i REALLY do.
I plan on reintroducing myself back into society at the Tattsyrup gig on Friday 11th March at ClwbyBont.
If you've not heard of them, look for them on Myspace. They are a fucking AWESOME Ska band.. and i LOVE Ska. It never fails to put a big old smile on my face.
WHEY!
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=125289820873069
face it... you're a neomaxizoomdweebie.
Well, Hello!
I've not blogged in a while, those that know me know that there are reasons for this.. those that don't know me don't need to know.. so : P
I've kinda been psyching myself up for 2011, as much as i'd like to think it's going to be a fantastic year, i know that there are a good few clouds still looming on the horizon.
Those of you that have read my previous blogs will know that my mam hasn't been too well and as a result of finding "unusual" proteins in her blood is undergoing tests for various types of cancer. Last thing she had done was to have some bone marrow taken... and we are still waiting for the results.. typically 2 weeks.. they said.. just as well it's nothing serious like CANCER we're talking about then.. oh wait.. it IS.
After these 2 weeks there might be a further 2 weeks before she can see the consultant again... here we go.. limbo AGAIN. Nothing is worse than not knowing when it comes to this shit.. NOTHING...
I really don't mean to sound "down" about the whole thing.. and for the prospects of 2011.. but at the end of the day i am very much a realist.. as i have said before.. whilst all the "awwww" may be initially comforting the only thing that genuinely works is ACTION. I am a woman of action in that respect. I can sometimes come over as a little cold and maybe distant but the reality is, my brain is working overtime to think of a practical plan to fix things.. Nothing hampers the working out of courses of action more than emotions. If you are emotional, you can't think straight. You are not acting rationally. I have to be rational and practical and start these processes before i can involve my emotions.. or i would be a wreck. seriously. (this is also why i am a good Stage Manager heheheh)
Another 2011 fuck up will be the court case that's about to start to try and convict the man that stabbed my friend Lucy to death last year. Well i say "about to start" it's been put back a couple of months.. I can't bring Lucy back, no one can.. so my practical and rational behaviour patterns are out the window when it comes to this and just typing these words now i can feel the incendiary mix of rage and revenge welling up inside me. Emotions.. there they are.. rushing in when practicality is rendered useless.
Of course, this isn't all i have "going on". i have enough health related crap to deal with myself at the moment. I do wonder where i get all this strength from. I'm almost sure that the most people wouldn't have got through what i have without dying or going insane.. or going insane then dying.. sometimes my head feels like a pressure cooker.. on cold days i am convinced you will see actual STEAM coming out of my ears.
I actually hide all these things under a veil of stupidity and wit, which is the reason why most people that know me but haven't known me all my life will say "she's a hell of a girl, a real tonic, a complete nutter" and honestly, no one enjoys playing the fool more than me! I laugh.. i LAUGH A LOT!! .. and that's what keeps me going.. it's almost like "oh well, i'm totally fucked.. shall i beat my chest and wail or shall i stick a rubber glove on my head and "book book book" around the yard.. I think you know which one i'd chose.. Although the people that have known me most of my life are watching me do a chicken run round the yard.. only difference is.. they are looking at a chicken with no head.. and are just waiting for me to keel over... hasn't happened yet tho!
Another plus to being this age.. and having all this crap going on is that you kinda don't give a shit anymore about trying to be "cool". I am fully embracing my inner nerd and i am GEEKING out on a regular basis.
When i was a kid i always used to come out with these ridiculous wisdoms.. and also daft sayings.. but one thing that i am reminded of constantly by my friends is that back in the days of the launch of the sinclair spectrum i said "The geeks shall inherit the earth" and then i was banging on about how computers are going to run everything and one day these school bullied geeks will hold the power to launch missiles, rob banks and cut off our energy and water supplies without even leaving their homes..(maybe the person who wrote the storyline for Die Hard 4.0 was standing behind me at the time..)
I had just seen Blade Runner for the very first time so my head was totally spun out at the images of the future.. (still my fave film of all time btw!)
Anyway, thinking about the whole "neomaxizoomdweebie" thing.. the UBERGEEK as it were.. back in the 80's when it was used in The Breakfast Club is was a real stinker of an insult.. these days.. it's almost a compliment! I am proud to be a Neomaxizoomdweebie! So there!
You're SO alike....
REALLY???
There are many things in this world that i just don't "get"... like Ricky Gervais.. to me, he's about as funny as shitting razorblades same as Michael McIntyre really.. i just don't think they're funny.
Something else that i don't "get" that isn't funny or flattering in any way is when one of your exes says to you (about their current partner) "Oh! You two are SO alike!"
1. It's fucking creepy.. what are you saying? you've deliberately gone out to find someone just like me after i dumped you?
2. If you say it in front of your new partner.. you make them feel very small. Also everyone likes to feel unique and you just made them feel like a facsimile.. and a poor one at that!
3. If you honestly think we're that "alike" you never bloody knew me anyway!
In an ideal world both myself and the new girl should simultaneously slap him and kick him in the shins and then wander off together to the nearest pub to drink and bitch about our "lucky escapes".
I'm feeling quite ranty.. i am thinking to myself.. should i continue to blog.. or should i stop before it escalates into a tirade.
Actually.. i'll leave it. I found a big tub of hot chocolate in the back of the cupboard and as i've panicked and filled the fridge with milk (because of the snow) i'm going to put a pan on and make some milky choc* and chill out in front of the fire.
laters taters. x
*baileys optional but probably essential!
That's not the road.. it's only the map..
.. i say gone just like matches.. from a closed down cabaret..
I do love Tom Waits but on this occasion i had Ute Lemper's version in my head. I love her. Seriously. The best Velma Kelly there ever was.
anyway.. i digress.
I've not blogged for a while, mainly because i've been up to my eyeballs in various things that are going on in my life at the moment.
A big highlight since my last blog was the opportunity to be taken around the new development at the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama in Cardiff. It's still at the building stage at the moment and as i can never resist any opportunity to don HI-VIZ, Hard hat and boots.. i jumped at the chance. We were lead around by the Architect Jason Flanagan. His design is truly BRILLIANT. I immediately fell in love with the "Richard Burton" theatre space. A beautiful traditional horseshoe shaped auditorium and a lovely large stage area with plenty of wing space.
yes ok i know.. USE YOUR IMAGINATION! it's going to be utterly awesome.
It's incredibly brave that they went ahead with this incredible project in the light of the looming cuts. It saddened me greatly when i read the news that the ConDem party has decided to cut funding to higher education establishments that teach Arts based subjects in England. I just hope that in Wales.. the land of song.. as it states in the National Anthem of Wales... the assembly stays faithful to our cultural Artistic heritage and gives education in the Arts a break.
Mae hen wlad fy nhadau yn annwyl i mi, (The land of my fathers is dear unto me,)
Old land where the minstrels are honoured and free (Gwlad beirdd a chantorion, enwogion o fri)
I'd really like my kid(s) to have the oppotuinty to persue a career in the Arts at H.E. level if he/she has a passion for the subject. I hate the idea that the Arts aren't important.. that commerce and science is everything and creativity counts for nothing. The future looks.. beige.
Now on to the continuing saga of what the hell is wrong with my mam... As you know, the bence-jones test came back negative so the incurable bone cancer was ruled out... but SOMETHING is wrong and now they are testing her for this that and the other.. she has to go in a couple of weeks to have bone marrow extracted. More tests, this time for the Lukemia side of things ( i think that's what they said.. ) She says she feels "fine" but who knows.. there's so much in this life that you face alone. I am equally as guilty of this. Like when i lived in London and nearly died from pneumonia. I remember telling my mam "I've not been too well" it was only when i came back to live in Wales that i told her the whole story. That if it wasn't for my good friends Aby and Marilyn rescuing me i would have died. Also, what with Marilyn being opera trained she helped me get my lung function back by organising a full lung work-out plan. When i have my chest xrayed and they see the scarring they cannot believe that my lung function is probably better than someone that's had no chest problems!.. Where was i? oh yeah.. as a family we have a long history of "not letting on" when things are not as they should be. We tend to play things down not to worry each other. So i am guessing that in reality my mam is far from "fine" but for now i will play along.
I'm really enjoying revisiting the music from my late teens.. i've filled the car with 80's cd's.. not just the goth stuff but Thompson Twins, Simple Minds and of course.. Duran Duran.. but then there's King.. and one that i'd almost forgot about totally.. 2 hit wonders.. "Drum Theatre" they supported "King" in St David's Hall 1985.. they were actually really good in a throw-away kinda way.. good for dancin! Plus.. news is filtering through that Duran Duran's new album (produced by Mark Ronson) will be released before christmas!! WHOOOP! So come next summer hopefully i'll be on the rail at as many of their gigs as i can manage! I will say.. that i have heard from a very reliable source that Duran Duran have been approached to play Glasto! I wonder if they will?
one last thing before i go..
John's feeling a bit .. fragile.. (the sexy bastard)
x x
Dig for the Children..
I can never let this day pass without thinking about Aberfan. Although, my family was not effected directly (as in mourning the loss of a relative) by the disaster, i firmly believe that the whole of this raped country was rocked by it and the aftershocks will probably continue forever.
Those of you that are reading this that don't know what i am writing about, please take the time to visit http://www.nuffield.ox.ac.uk/politics/aberfan/home.htm and read about what happened.
My grandfather was one of the many miners that downed tools and went to Aberfan to dig for the children on that day. He thought it was important and very necessary to tell his grandchildren what happened that day when they were old enough to understand. Many of us in South Wales live in the shadow of what is essentially a tip of coal waste. The tip above Cilfynydd continues to shift in the wet autumn months. If it were to shift with any momentum there are 3 schools in it's path not to mention a large village community. It does make you wonder is lessons were ever learned from what happened at Aberfan.
Spent the day today in a freezing cold church hall (trying not to say shit or fuck) setting it up for a "Thrifty Fashion Show" being hosted by Barnardos tomorrow evening. By the end of the day it was conveyed to me that i was actually to compare the evening with my best mate (and very much partner in many crimes since we were kids) Amanda (or Pixie as most people, including me, call her). We batted a few ideas around for how we were going to go about this.. (without saying shit or fuck!) yet making it interesting enough to make people laugh.. That's all i am going to say because i don't want to give anything away!!
After a quick snack (3-in-1 chips/rice/curry sauce from Yummy's Kitchen) during which i was "bothered" by a wasp which led to me shouting mid conversation "FUCK. OFF." which led to Pixie saying "oh, alright then" and walked off up the street leaving me laughing.. (she did come back) we went for a walk around Trefforest asking shops to display a poster for the charity event. It all went a bit wrong when we walked into The Fancy Dress shop on Park street and saw this..
.. and on the back it had a bare arse.. i lost the plot.. i was laughing so much i nearly revisted my 3-in-1!! i MEAN it was right in front of you when you walked in the door.. it had curly hairs and everything.. anyway.. onwards.. we decided to put a poster in the laundrette, next to the laundrette is the kebab shop which boasted..
On the way back to our cars i popped in the electrical shop on broadway (called "Lights On Broadway") to ask about fluoro fittings and blacklight.. for some reason Pixie decided to hump the air outside the shop .. which sent me into hysterics again.. and laughing.. the bloke who owns the shop kinda ushered me out...
I was glad to be home after all that.. bloody exhausted. (told you all my blogs wouldn't be tear jerkers)
It's too bad she won't live...
.... then again, who does?
I can honestly say this has probably been the most emotionally charged, sleep deprived 3 weeks of my life. As i've already said in the previous blog, my Mam was tested for bence-jones proteins which if positive would mean she had an incurable bone cancer.
She was one of i can only assume is thousands of people waiting for their results all of which were stuck in the Labs "new system" that went live and promptly ceased to work.
Still without results, yesterday my Mam went off with her best mate to Blackpool for a couple of days. She was reluctant, but as her best mate paid for it she could hardly say no.. plus i told her, it would do her good.
Meanwhile, back at home my little cat Dotty, 16 years old has been slowing down and shutting down all week. After i saw my Mam off on her trip i took Dot down to the vets. Waited TWENTY MINUTES (take note NHS) and paid a very reasonable fee (much less than my NI and Taxes for a weeks work) for a complex set of blood tests. It wasn't great news. In fact it was pretty much expected. She had no muscle mass, high level of toxins in her blood and as the vet put it "i've no idea how she is still alive, yet she seems bright and coherent". Knowing it was the end, i was all set to have her put to sleep when she looked up at me and cried. I couldn't do it. I asked the vet if Dot was suffrering or in pain and she said that she was maybe a little uncomfortable but certainly not sufffering. So i took the option for the vet to give her a last go at getting better. So she had steroids, fluids and an antibiotic just to make her very comfortable for the night. If she made it through the night it would be a miracle, the vet said. I'd much rather her pass away peacefully at home in familiar surroundings. In all this, i just couldn't help think of my Mam. I know that sounds extreme and maybe a bit stupid. I also thought of sitting with my Nan (my Mam's Mam) and watching her die. In the last hour of her life she lay in bed as if she was cradling a baby. Between having my Mam and my Aunt my Nan lost a baby, it was term, but there were complications and it was born dead. She never forgot that little one and i think in her final hour she was reunited with her.. all be it in a haze of cancer pain drugs. It's not nice watching someone die, i know that probably sounds like stating the bloody obvious. It was the first time in my life i had ever heard a "death rattle" it's a sound that i will never forget. All the pain drained out of her face though and she almost looked as if she was smiling. She was at peace.
So, i set up a nice quiet comfy corner for Dotty. Every so often she would climb onto my lap and nap then get back up and drink some water and go back to her comfy corner. Around 8pm the phone rang, i didn't recognise the number. It was my Mam's (and my) Doctor, she was calling from her home.. which at first didn't bode well for me when i heard her voice. Anyway, she'd been trying to get hold of my Mam all day.. "I didn't want you to go through another weekend not knowing what's going on and i know that your Mam wouldn't mind me telling you. We've had the results back." .. I froze on the spot. "It's negative".. I broke down instantly and couldn't speak.. The doc, she was saying "hello? hello? are you still there? Ceri?" I kinda gave out a squeak.. then sobbed down the phone "Thank you so much, i don't know what to say, just thank you, it's been a very long couple of weeks".
So, that's that off my mind. I was going mental. Of course, there are still more tests to come to try and find out what's wrong but we'll face them when they come. Called my Mam and told her the good news. Then she asked how Dotty was.. i told her it wasn't looking good. Dot is just as much my Mam's cat as mine. After all, when i lived away for 7 years she was the one that took care of her. I had such a car crash of emotions going on i actually thought i was going to vomit at one point. It was becoming more apparent that Dot wasn't going to make it through the night. I put a little box to one side and lined it with an old t-shirt of mine. Only a kitten sized cat she ever was but a feisty minx in her day, very independent. Not a cwtchy cat that you could pick up and nurse. She came to YOU on her terms IF she decided you were worthy!
One thing about Dot tho, if i was ever ill, had an operation, injured myself, upset etc.. she was ALWAYS at my side. She always knew when i wasn't well or if i was in recovery. She wouldn't fuss round me or anything like that, just let me know that she's there and just watch over me or watch TV with me hardly leaving my side until i was back on my feet. The least i could do is the same. Fighting extreme tiredness (i've not really slept in the last few weeks waiting on these tests my Mam had) i nodded off. At about 3am my youngest cat Eddie (just over 6 months old) Jumped on me and BELLOWED in my face. I honestly think he was waking me up because Dot was about to go. She was still in the comfy corner, but she cried as i approached, so i picked her up and nursed her till she stopped breathing. She purred a little throughout and was really calm and restful. I kept talking to her as she died, telling her not to be afraid and that it was all going to be ok. She passed away at 3:30am. If you're not an animal lover.. you wouldn't understand any of this. If you're not a responsible pet owner you won't understand it either. I put her in her little box, wrapped the t-shirt over her and closed the lid. I bawled my eyes out with a mixture of emotions and sleep deprivation.
I believe in Newton's 3rd law.. action and reaction. I know it sounds extremely daft but it almost feels like Dotty "took one for the team". Of course i know that notion is utterly ridiculous to any christians reading this.. animals have no souls after all.. that's one of the main reasons i could never be a christian. I believe in narure and balance. I guess i am a pagan.. and an existentialist.
2010 what a fucking year. There has been no grey areas. I feel like i'm in "The Truman Show" and it's been re-written by someone with bi-polar. Nothing left to do but "trudge"... "To Trudge: the slow weary depressing yet determined walk of a man (or woman) who has nothing left in his (or her) life except the impulse to simply soldier on." (Chaucer, "A Knight's Tale") ... but where there's trudge.. there's hope!
Eddie has barely left my side today. Seems he's taken over Dot's role.
R.I.P Dotty.
(don't worry my next blog will be an account of my Mam and her best friend tearing up the tarmac of Blackpool on mobility scooters.. she just called me and could barely speak for laughing!)
